Twins

Twins, the movieSo I was looking through my movie collection the other day and saw this awesome movie. Its the story of two brothers, TWINS, lost at birth on their way to adventurous activities. I won’t spoil the movie for you, but one is a super badass while the other is a total screwup. Its pretty easy to tell who the screwup is.

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Toys for Tots

Why did they pick toys for tots? Why not tots for toys? Or why not tots for tits? Those could solve our overpopulation problem.

Why not tits for tots? Eventually half of our tots are going to need them.

With all these politics and schmolitics trying to solve issues why hasn’t there been more coverage on this Toys for Tots debacle? Let me know if there are good theories about this. Maybe I should get Al Gore to make a movie about this. Check that, I am going to ask Arnold to make a movie about this. Not Arnold Schwarzenegger, he’s already made Jingle All the Way which was revolutionary to this topic. I’m talking Tom Arnold.

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Bark in the Park

What’s the worst part about this time of the year? You guessed it, not being able to have Bark in the Park. Man that’s a great idea, whoever came up with the idea deserves a peace prize or a pulitzer prize or something. So here’s how the guy came up with the idea:

  • Everyone loves dogs, especially the ones that bark
  • Everyone loves going to baseball games
  • Add the two and you have a perfect day

I am already making plans to go down to Florida this summer to rent a dog and go to Bark in the Park with the Marlins. I picked Florida because no one goes to those games, so I know I will get tickets. I can’t wait until they start playing “Who Let the Dogs Out” and neither can the dog I am renting.

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How to get into the Mafia

You know, a lot of people ask me if I’m in the Mafia. My response? Legally, I cannot respond. But that doesn’t mean I can’t blog about how to get into the Mafia. So here are some pointers I have for getting into the Mafia.

  1. Check to see if you are already in it. Rookie mistake, I actually knew a cousin who had no idea he was in the Mafia. What an idiot!
  2. Make them an offer they can’t refuse. Seriously.
  3. Bake sale. These things always work, trust me.
  4. Start making large purchases of meat at your local butcher on every Tuesday. When they ask you “heys guys whats a going ons?” You slap him and call him a jabronie. Then he treats you like you’re the Godfather. A few weeks later you meet the real Godfather, he’s pissed that you’ve been impersonating him and has a hit out for you. You know this already so you hire a look-a-like (an illegal Mexican will work) who pretends to be you. Don’t pay your look-a-like because in a week or so he will be killed. The Godfather thinks you are dead and continues business like usual. When the Godfather is asleep one night, you sneak into his room and put your left shoe on his right foot. When he wakes up, he gets the message and is all like “oh shit, he’s still alive” and flips out and kills himself. At his funeral, everyone is there and is all sad but you show up and give the Eulogy. Boom, the whole Mafia gets the message and you’re in.

Well that’s all I am going to say about this, I can’t give away all my secrets. But if these don’t work let’s just say I would be veeeerrry surprised.

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World Wide Webs

Hello everyone out there in the blogosphere! Welcome to my mind, the internets may not be ready for this so watch out. I’m the smartest person I know so I figured I should share my insight with the internets. For my first blog I am going to tackle an issue that has been bugging me all day:

Who wins in a fight, a spoon or a fork?

I know, it’s a tough question. If you ask me, you would have to be drunk to think a fork would win. I mean how do you expect to eat jello with a fork? Exactly, you can’t. But until someone actually puts a spoon against a fork in an all out brawl we will never know. I’m looking at you pay-per-view.

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