How to get into the Mafia

You know, a lot of people ask me if I’m in the Mafia. My response? Legally, I cannot respond. But that doesn’t mean I can’t blog about how to get into the Mafia. So here are some pointers I have for getting into the Mafia.

  1. Check to see if you are already in it. Rookie mistake, I actually knew a cousin who had no idea he was in the Mafia. What an idiot!
  2. Make them an offer they can’t refuse. Seriously.
  3. Bake sale. These things always work, trust me.
  4. Start making large purchases of meat at your local butcher on every Tuesday. When they ask you “heys guys whats a going ons?” You slap him and call him a jabronie. Then he treats you like you’re the Godfather. A few weeks later you meet the real Godfather, he’s pissed that you’ve been impersonating him and has a hit out for you. You know this already so you hire a look-a-like (an illegal Mexican will work) who pretends to be you. Don’t pay your look-a-like because in a week or so he will be killed. The Godfather thinks you are dead and continues business like usual. When the Godfather is asleep one night, you sneak into his room and put your left shoe on his right foot. When he wakes up, he gets the message and is all like “oh shit, he’s still alive” and flips out and kills himself. At his funeral, everyone is there and is all sad but you show up and give the Eulogy. Boom, the whole Mafia gets the message and you’re in.

Well that’s all I am going to say about this, I can’t give away all my secrets. But if these don’t work let’s just say I would be veeeerrry surprised.

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One Response to How to get into the Mafia

  1. As far as Testimonials are concerned this would have to fall under Uraguay. We all know the best way into the mafia is finding the most italian person in your school. Oh, how do you know if they are italian? good question. Last names give them away, Look for a name that ends in a vowel. such as Rigatoni! Also, if they wear yankees hats with wife beaters, dead give away. Ok. So you found your Italian compadre (means amigo in italian) now all you have to do is earn his trust, sleep with his sister or mother, get her pregnant, not call her back, get invited to a family picnic, trout the father, and then you get an invitation to be in the mafia. But dont except at first. It is a trick. A Cheap Trick (cp Virgin Records 1998) created by “the Don” to keep you from becoming to cocky. My advice, abstinence is the best policy. Play it coy for a few weeks then accept his offer with some home baked canolis. We all know Italians can not refuse any one with canolis. So this is sure to get you in. Hope this helps 🙂

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